Things you wanna say to your customers.

Date: Sep 16, 2012

Things you wanna say to your customers.

LostGeneralClerk · Veteran Member

Hello customer, thank you for making my paycheck possible :]

/sarcasm

DustinIsTheKey · Member

Dear Customer: In 4 minutes I will not even remember what you looked like. I don't care.

techelite · Guru

Dear customer, why the @$%# are you looking at me like you're waiting on me to do my job, when you were too g d stupid to follow a roughly 5 word long instruction on the pin pad? Oh, and you need to get your kids to shuttt thaa hellz up. And it's not my fault you read 5 tags wrong. Don't be jealous of my standard adult reading level.

4hourrush · Guru

Dear customer,
Don't tell me next time you'll go to another store that's 5 miles down the road when hey.... save your gas, there's a walmart right across the street, i'm sure they'd love to have a customer like you there!

Date: Sep 16, 2012

Say thank you when I help you find something.

If you hit me with your cart, I will "accidently" hit you with my uboat. Fair is fair, bitch.

If I'm at the register, don't bitch to me about the person in front of you using WIC then buying tobacco. I don't care. Take it up with her in the parking lot. I have **** that needs done back in my department and you are all holding me up.

Horseradish is by the cheese in the refrigerated section, for ****s sake.

Put your **** back where you got it from if you decide you don't want it. I'm not your mother or your maid.

Cathy · Guru

Dear Customer,

I am only one person watching two sets of U-scans, it is extremely busy, and I am waiting on a lot of customers (some of them just like you), so don't get mad if I can't come to you right away.

Date: Sep 17, 2012

Dealing with a cuatomer in the bakery who wants their child's birthday cake absolutely picture perfect down to the smallest detail: "Ma'am , are you going to eat it or are you going to frame it?"

grumpy1 · Guru

I do not know where it is nor do I care.

Walmart is just down the street.

nocturnia · Guru

I would very much like to go to a pay phone, wearing a ball cap and gloves (against surveillance cameras which, believe me, are very much every where now in most inner cities), and phone in a bomb threat. Be like Chris Tucker in 'Money Talks': "Five...four...three... two...ONE!" And watch EVERY one come screaming out of that place like belt-fed mortar bombs~

Cathy · Guru

One time a customer was so upset because we were out of paper bags. I felt like saying "What do you want me to do... poop one out?"

Date: Sep 18, 2012

Cathy wrote:
One time a customer was so upset because we were out of paper bags. I felt like saying "What do you want me to do... poop one out?"

No, but you could chop down a tree and make one for her.

Date: Sep 18, 2012

"meet me in the alley behind the store, fine stranger, I'm gonna rock your world with my intercoursing skills."

grumpy1 · Guru

Anonymous wrote:
"meet me in the alley behind the store, fine stranger, I'm gonna rock your world with my intercoursing skills."

the handica[ motorized carts are not designed to carry more that you wiegh. Try loosing a few hundred pounds and they might work for you.

thedude · Guru

Please do not talk to me when you are chewing on the sample food and got all that masty crap in your mouth as you are speaking to me! Where the hell are your frickin' manners? i don't need to see that chopped up crapola in your mouth while you are asking me for an 8 pc of fried chicken? Gawd Damn what the hell is wrong with you????

Stranger · Senior Member

Good sir, why is there paper towel in the tank of the toilet you just used? I am confident it was not there before.

Diapers belong in the trash cans, not on the floor or in the toilets. Adult diapers or otherwise.

Ma'am, while Fluffy and Muffin sound adorable, I have much more important things to take care of. There is my manager if you would like to continue talking about your cats.

Sir, when you dropped the bottle of Jagermeister, did it occur to you that someone should have been told about the spill?

Toilet paper and waste are the only things that should be flushed down the toilet.

The pharmacy is located right under the 15 foot long, six foot high sign that reads "Pharmacy".

I have no control over the greenness of our bananas.

Hey, you! Just because I am here does not mean the floor is your trashcan. Pick that **** up, now.

-- Edited by Stranger on Saturday 22nd of September 2012 10:46:10 PM

Date: Sep 23, 2012

Attention The store is closing, get the **** out now! No you can't keep shoping while saying you only 2 more things. Uscan is closed now Bitches

Cathy · Guru

If I handed you a nasty used kleenex, would you throw it away for me? Why are you asking me to throw one away for you? There is a trashcan right before you go out the door, if you can just hold on a little longer...

No, we don't have a bathroom. We just use the garbage can.

No, we're not open, ma'am... and I don't work here. I just answer the phone.

I'm sure all these other customers love waiting behind your @** while you fumble through that huge stack of coupons looking for the one that you might have missed.

You're buying lobster and fillet mignon? You can afford more with food stamps than most people can afford with "good paying" jobs.

If you're not doing anything wrong, then why are you mad that I am calling my supervisor?

The U-Scan will work properly... only if you use them properly.

My favorite: A customer asked one of my coworkers "Don't you wish you would have gone to school, so that you would have a better paying job?" only to be told that... yes, he did go to college and graduated with a business degree. The customer was one of those upper class snobs who just assumed that he was some lazy person that didn't finish school.

-- Edited by Cathy on Monday 24th of September 2012 09:42:09 AM

Date: Sep 26, 2012

Really? You got a whole cart of ****ing groceries, and you can only afford a third of it? What the hell is wrong with you?

I mean, I've been broke before. More broke than you, you ****ing deadbeat. And I didn't have food stamps either.

And you know what I did? I made a list and a budget, and planned what I was going to ****ing buy.

I brought a calculator to the store, and added it up as I went. Including tax. On the occasion I had to take things off, it was because they were mispriced.

It's not that ****ing hard if I can do it. Trust me. After all, if I'm working here, how smart can I be?

techelite · Guru

Amen to every word said in this thread.

Cathy · Guru

I'm sure there must be a mistake... You're phone number must have just been accidentally deleted from the Kroger Plus database. That's probably why you were never able to use it.

No, you won't be charged double because you slide your card twice... You'll get charged triple because the machine can't count.

And let us bow our heads in silence for the customer that was caught trying to steal two cases of beer and vowed never to shop here again because we have humiliated him. He will be greatly missed in our store.

Date: Sep 28, 2012

And of course...If so-and-so store is so much cheaper, then why don't you just go there, instead of coming in week after week and complaining to me!!! You think the prices are high now, JUST YOU WAIT!!!

Personally, I think we need a 50-feet neon sign for each of the following items: Garlic, Horseradish, Toothpicks, Egg Roll Wraps, Peanut Butter...As long as I have worked in the grocery business, those things have been the most common items asked about...Sometimes I feel like handing out a flier with JUST those items and their location on the flier. That would take care of 90% of the questions I get...Here, Ma'am, take a flier...This will explain everything!!!

Or...No, Ma'am...I DID NOT MARK THAT PRODUCT DOWN FOR YOU LAST WEEK 75% OFF, AND I DEMAND THAT YOU PROVE TO ME THAT I DID!!! You'll always get one lady that will come in, and say "I got that item cheaper last week, because so-and-so marked it down" or "The guy at the other Krogers does it for me all the time", or "The night guy does it", but that lady is trying to manipulate you for a better price...DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!

Or...I'm sorry, ma'am...We don't mark things down two weeks in advance...and I don't care if you're only one person, and you won't be able to finish it on time!!! I've had people ask that question before...

Or..."If I did that for you, I'd have to do it for everybody now, wouldn't I?" Hey, fair is fair!!!

Date: Sep 28, 2012

Or you know what I love??? We have a bank in our store...and on federal holidays, when they close, it never fails that the phone will ring off the hook waiting for someone to answer it, especially at 7 or 8 in the morning, but of course, there's no one there to answer it...IT'S A F****IN' FEDERAL HOLIDAY!!! Plus, they're not open at 7 or 8...9 or 10, maybe, most days...You ALMOST want to answer the darn thing, or put a message on there that says, "THERE'S NO ONE HERE TODAY!!! GOT IT??? IT'S A F****IN' FEDERAL HOLIDAY!!! WE'RE SICK OF THIS PLACE, AND NEED TO SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH OUR OWN FAMILIES!!! IF YOU NEED YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED, DO LIKE EVERY OTHER NORMAL AND SANE PERSON DOES...CALL BACK TOMORROW!!! CAPISCE???"

Mia · Newbie

I hate when people are at the fuel center and they go "I need a fillup on 7... I dont know how much it's gonna take..."
Yeah Sure I know how much it's gonna take to fill it up seeing as I don't drive your car!!

Ma'am, that's pump 5, not pump 7.

You're in the red truck? Ok well what pump is the red truck on? Seeing as there's another one two pumps down!

When will you people get it in your heads you can not pay for a western union with a freaking credit card???

Somebody asked me today if they sent money through our western union, could the receiver pick it up at Walmart?
NO. Walmart's western union is MONEYGRAM. Ours is MONEY TRANSFER. TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. Do not bring me a money gram MTCN and expect to get your money, that's WALMART. Yes, you have to drive a mile down the road to get your money.

No you cannot pay for beer with an EBT.

Oh I love when they call the store cuz they left something behind when they shopped earlier. Sorry, this ain't pizza hut, we don't deliver!

Ok that's all my ranting. Lol

Date: Sep 30, 2012

Mia wrote:
I hate when people are at the fuel center and they go "I need a fillup on 7... I dont know how much it's gonna take..."
Yeah Sure I know how much it's gonna take to fill it up seeing as I don't drive your car!!

Ma'am, that's pump 5, not pump 7.

You're in the red truck? Ok well what pump is the red truck on? Seeing as there's another one two pumps down!

When will you people get it in your heads you can not pay for a western union with a freaking credit card???

Somebody asked me today if they sent money through our western union, could the receiver pick it up at Walmart?
NO. Walmart's western union is MONEYGRAM. Ours is MONEY TRANSFER. TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. Do not bring me a money gram MTCN and expect to get your money, that's WALMART. Yes, you have to drive a mile down the road to get your money.

No you cannot pay for beer with an EBT.

Oh I love when they call the store cuz they left something behind when they shopped earlier. Sorry, this ain't pizza hut, we don't deliver!

Ok that's all my ranting. Lol

You are so right about the customers calling about leaving something behind...Then they tell you that they live 2 hours away from the store, and they don't normally shop there, they don't intend on making a special trip again FOR ONE ITEM, and what can I do about it...Hold on a second, ma'am, I'll find that bunch of bananas you forgot and transmit them by phone, OK? Sheesh!!!

Otherwise, I agree with the other rants, too...

Date: Sep 30, 2012

Don't ****ing cough on me.

Because of *******s like you, I am sick all the time. For half of last year, I was lucky to get two weeks between colds.

Then some ******* like you would cough on me again and I'd get sick again.

And you know what's just as bad?

When you cough into your hand and then hand me something. ****.

You disgust me.

Cathy · Guru

And then they get mad when they hear you coughing,

"Oh you should go home if you're sick..."

I just want to tell them, "I don't know about you, but my job doesn't pay me to sit around at home because I'm sick, and my mortgage company will still want my money whether I'm sick or not."

Date: Oct 1, 2012

I actually did say this.

Customer: Are you going to reduce this pie? The crust is all cracked on top.

Me: No, it still tastes the same.

Indy1979 · Senior Member

good one lol

Date: Oct 1, 2012

A friend of mine who works in Customer Service returns for Wal-Mart, told me that a customer brought a HUGE turkey back the day after Thanksgiving.

The bird had been cooked, carved, and partially eaten. The customer complained that she had bought it two days before Thanksgiving and Wal-Mart only had very large turkey birds to choose from.

The customer went on to say that she was "forced" to purchase the large bird because Wal-Mart did not have any smaller birds to choose from. She insisted on a refund because the bird was "too large for just 2 people to eat". She also demanded that Wal-Mart reimburse her for the added electricity on her power bill, because it took longer to cook the turkey.

My friend called a member of Management to the Customer Service desk to help with the customers' unusal request.

Management gave this woman a $50 gift card and apologized for the inconvenience. The turkey carcas was sent to the Claims Dept.

Date: Oct 2, 2012

I don't care what the other store by your house does.

I don't care how much you spend. No, I can't look it up through your Kroger card. Even if I could, I wouldn't because I just don't care.

The first three identical coupons double. That's it. That's the policy. It's clearly posted at the checkstand. I've had coupon problems before and I'm not going to get risk getting in trouble just so you can have have a dozen or two free toothbrushes. I don't care if it's "...food for your family!" How many toothbrushes does your family eat?

In fact, I'd be glad to dramatically point at the policy and read it out loud to you. Except I can't because you had to take your crazy ass and your extreme coupons through self checkout, and at the busiest time of day.

I will admit, it's tempting to just override them all so I can actually help the other customers and get on with my day, and also so I don't have to talk to you. If there actually is another store by your house, and if they actually do this, this is why. You are an unpleasant crazy person, and I feel bad for them and your theoretical family.

I have done this for other customers, on occasion, but I have found it leads to problems.

What kind of problems? They come back tomorrow, during the busiest time of day, and do exactly the same thing.

So no more. And, I get to comply with policy for once too. Hooray!

Even if you talk to my manager, who makes me force the coupons so you can have your dozen free toothbrushes, I'd like to point out that you still didn't actually win.

I took about as long as I thought I could get away with scanning your coupons. It's the busiest time of day, so that gives me opportunities to make the long walk for cigarettes, card everybody, get drink cups from the farthest registers, get bags of ice for everybody, and so forth. One time, it took at least 20 minutes to scan all the coupons, and I was so happy.

And then, you wanted to talk to my manager. I took a while to call for a manager. I needed to get cigarettes for another customer first. And then the manager had to get there. And then you had to spout some crazy at him. And then he had to talk to another manager. Who had to get there. And then you got to spout crazy at him. That manager has given me a lot of grief about coupons in the past, so I figure he's on my side in this. If the higher ups hadn't been on a customer service kick lately, he would have told you to get bent.

Anyways, here's the kicker.

My efforts, your crazying at my managers, and their conferencing wasted at least 40 minutes of your time. Considering coupon time, shopping time, and a long drive in bad traffic if there really is a store by your house, it's hopefully well upwards of an hour. I made you earn those toothbrushes. For all the time you spent, you might as well have worked for them and paid cash. I win.

It takes forever to extreme coupon through self checkout at the busiest time of day, even if self checkout doesn't drag their feet. Although you are quite clearly crazy, it doesn't mean you are completely irrational. You will hopefully reconsider extreme couponing through self checkout, or at least during the busiest time of day. Self checkout wins.

You had a very unpleasant experience at my store (as did all of us), and we are allegedly far away from your home store. Depending on how unbalanced you are, you won't inflict your crazy on this store again. The store wins.

And if you do, you won't come through my line. I win again.

styles · Guru

plus while all of that was happening you were on the clock getting paid :D

Cathy · Guru

I was going to over-ride your coupon for you, but before I could do that you had to start acting like an @** to my bagger, so no.

All your coupons had the dates cut off, so I told you that they were expired... and then I told on you to my supervisor.

No, I didn't try to scan your expired coupon, but I told you I did so that you would shut your mouth about it. I was as dishonest with you as you were trying to be to the store.

Really I did have a garbage can, but I told you I didn't, so that you wouldn't hand me your nasty kleenex. You should know better than to do that anyway, though.

When you come through my line rudely talking on the phone, I make it a habit to rush you through my line (secretly hoping that you have coupons that you will have forgotten to give me, so I can happily tell you that you can wait in that long line at the service desk).

Also, I don't ask for the Kroger Plus card either (so I can say, "I asked you earlier, but you said no... I thought you were talking to me.")

I will also do anything I can to interrupt your phone conversation, so that when you yell at me, you look like an @** to the person on the phone.

Really I don't care if you don't shop in my store again. Hopefully, I can weed out all the bad customers.

I actually don't want to wait on you, but I will act hurt when you leave my line so that you look like an @** to everyone else around you.

You're wondering why I'm being nasty to you? That bagger you screamed at happens to be my friend!

I am watching 2 sets of U-Scans, none of them are working, and you want me to exchange $100 worth of fives into larger bills?! You go to the customer service desk!

Date: Oct 10, 2012

Don't throw your groceries at me. It's entirely unnecessary, and it really pisses me off.

There's this thing you may not have noticed. It's called a conveyer belt.

It turns out that you can throw your items anywhere on the belt, and it will convey them to me. And, it will convey them to me even faster than you can throw items at it.

I understand, and can even appreciate that you you are in a hurry. Fine. I love to leave the store too.

But don't throw your groceries at me. It really pisses me off.

In general, I'll help customers if I can. I get to pretend to give good customer service, and if Flavor A is on sale but Flavor B isn't, it's actually fewer returns I have to do since I can nip it in the bud. No, not that kind of bud. Or nip.

This time, there was a limit on the sale item. You paid a bit more than double for that last one. I noticed this right away, and watched as I scanned to make sure. And, you were so busy throwing items at me, you never even noticed. I wish you bought more.

It's just a shame all that extra money goes to Kroger.

Cathy · Guru

If you slide your credit card, expect me to assume that you are ready to pay. Nothing can be done once I have pushed my key, so please do not slide your card unless you are ready to pay.

Are you ready to pay?

Ok, now slide your card.

It's that simple.

thedude · Guru

yes it takes more than 30 seconds to cut a pound of hard salami and 1/2 a pound of swiss cheese. you just placed the damn order like 15 seconds ago what the hell do you expect. my magic wand broke a few days ago so i have to do it the old fashioned way....

let me get this straight -- you look to be ohh 70 years old --- and you dont know how to pronouce "munster" or "edamame"? you been living under a rock for all them years???

the damn salad bar is runned by the damn produce department / not the deli. it will be like that in every damn groocery store you go to all over the damn country. got it? their door is the next one down. just listen for the hard rock music blaring through it.

Date: Nov 9, 2012

Please do not joke with me. I really can't tell that you are joking. We deal with jerks and crazy people all day. As far as I can tell, you are completely serious and I may need to call for a manager or security. It's not funny and I hate you. No, I'm not going to smile. **** you.

Or, everybody has told me the same joke so many times it's a struggle not to stab you to death with a Bic pen.

"Anything else for you?"

"Yeah, a million dollars."

I actually did smile the first time I heard it. And then I wanted to stab you in the face every time since then.

Why can't you offer to pay me in gum? That has only ever happened once, and it was actually funny.

Date: Nov 9, 2012

Dear customer, If I'm not even pushing your type of cart, don't expect me to take it.

Cathy · Guru

Dear Customer,

Remember that time that you threatened to call the corporate office over that... umm... forgot what it was... oh nevermind; but we had a good laugh when we got off the phone.

Date: Nov 10, 2012

Corporate? You want me to tell corporate something?

You say that like I have a direct line to Dave Dillon. I'm a powerless peon.

I don't even know how to contact corporate even if I wanted to.

And why should I? First I have to find out how to do so, and on my own time at that. Then, they probably don't care about whatever crazy nonsense you have to say. And I'm terrified of retribution for whatever imaginary issue you have in mind. The nail that stands up gets hammered down.